The uncle of mine who was a novelist and got me interested in writing had a best friend who, not surprisingly, was another author. His author friend enjoyed an extremely successful writing career, including having some of his works turned into movies, and by any material definition his life was extraordinarily abundant. Yet at the very end of his life, dying of cancer, he asked my uncle and aunt despairingly, “What did it all mean?”
I’m kind of terrified of asking this question myself on my deathbed.
As I posted in my last entry, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about two questions: Why am I doing my spiritual explorations? and Is this where I’m supposed to be?
As I also mentioned in my latest post, the second question has been much easier to answer. Overall, my intuition is telling me that yes, I am where I am meant to be right now. The first question is a little more tricky for several reasons, the longest-standing of which is that I’ve spent the last quarter-century feeling – even if I thought I was on the right path – that I simply wasn’t doing enough.
Of course, this could also come back to my post about the constant compulsion to feel productive. But I don’t think so. I think it’s more along the lines of right direction if not always the right track.
When considering this, the next thing I think is to take this apart. A less difficult proposition since there are really only two fundamental aspects to my spiritual explorations.
One, why am I doing it in general? I want to make myself a better person in my own right. I want to be a better family member, a better friend, a better helper, a better work associate. I want to break away from what I consider my personal dross – to be less selfish, more patient, more understanding. I want to be more adaptable (as I’ve never dealt well with change). From a theosophical standpoint, I know I’m living on Schoolhouse Earth at this particular time under these particular circumstances to learn things, or perhaps to unlearn things, and I would certainly like to get a better handle on just what those things are and what I ought to be doing about them.
The second thing comes down to meditation, and my working with trying to develop precognition. In general, the meditation is aimed at everything in the paragraph above. The precognition, though, has a specific focus. I want to work on getting advance warnings for things that are or could be on their way to either prepare for them, or if it’s something affecting someone else, to give them a heads up so that they can be ready, or moreso. But also to broaden my spiritual and physical perspectives to be better able to put things that happen, bad or good (or my definitions thereof) into broader perspectives.
Yeah, not such a tall order, right? (Snerk.)
(I’ll note here that sometimes I am a victim of fear of success. My first intentional meditation this year, also my first in recent memory, resulted immediately in what seemed to be a precognitive flash of a burning 2017 calendar. That jolted me right out of the meditation and it was nearly another five months – until after my visit with Alexandra in late August – before I tried again.)
What I do not want to do is ask on my deathbed, “What did it all mean?”
But as I was thinking about this entry, it came to me that a perfectly legitimate question to ask right now, and maybe as often as once a day, is “What does it all mean?”
Because when I get right down to it – that’s what it gets right down to. Finding the meaning of all of This is the ultimate quest of my spiritual explorations.
I don’t actually expect to be able to answer that question in full (or anywhere close to it) any time before I die. (Maybe afterwards either, for all that.) But I have the feeling that if I could get a good look at it it, or maybe even just a sideways glimpse out of my third eye’s peripheral vision, that would go a long way towards accomplishing what I want my explorations to accomplish.
I suspect that even if I can’t say “Ah, so that’s what it was all about!” on my deathbed (or before – preferably long before!), I might just be happy with, “Oh…I think I get it!”
Just so long as this is the result of me becoming a better person along the way.