A friend posted this on Facebook a few days ago, and it gripped me immediately because it’s a belief that used to be a fundamental part of me, but one that got shunted farther and farther to the side as I continued adding more emotional armor.
Not that it totally went away. There are still a few people who I do love fiercely, but for some years even that fierceness has been kept at some distance.
But despite the armor and distance, I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about the impermanence of things in this physical world – the older I get, the more I think about it. And there are family members and friends I’ve lost over those years, either to death or just our falling away from each other (the falling away often my own fault, due to that distancing). The thought of each of them comes with regrets over things not said.
I’ve thought about what I want to leave behind when I’m gone – though want exactly the ideal legacy is has become narrower and more personal over the years.
Thinking about those few I still love immensely, and impermanence, and what I want to leave behind, combined with seeing that picture above, made me suddenly come up with a message I wanted to give to those few. Most of it came rolling into my thoughts all in one instant, but with me already knowing how the rest would go.
And so this is my message to you:
Even if we haven’t seen each other in a long time, I still love you.
Even if we haven’t talked for a long time, I still love you.
Even if I’m angry at you, I still love you.
Even if we haven’t talked for a long time because we’re angry with each other, I still love you.
If I’ve been out of touch, or hard to find, it’s because my emotional armor is still on and strapped tight, not because I don’t want you here.
If I can’t be there when you need someone, know that it tears me up that I can’t be.
If you wonder if anyone ever thinks or cares about you, know that you’re always on my mind.
If you think that you’re not lovable, you’re wrong.
No matter the time or distance, I still feel you next to me.
After I’m gone, if you remember nothing else about me, please remember all of these things.